you’ll follow me down

leave it up to me. i started searching the things that to me matter the most.

wondering why i never write about my parents, though they’re among my best readers. wondering why i mostly write about moments and far less about people.

wondering why i always have to explain things that seem so obvious to me. wondering why they find it so difficult to „see” and why only few really succeed.

wondering why i spend so much time thinking about other people’s troubles and crying as if they were my own to deal with. wondering why i keep thinking of me as the person who has to solve those problems. wondering why it affects me so much.

wondering why i keep failing when it’s about me. wondering why it doesn’t happen when i deal with other people. where do all the things i have to say come from? where does all the advice i give come from? why am i not able to apply it to my own life? why am i only able to speak of it and never to actually do it when it comes to me?

wondering how people are capable of trusting me when i don’t even trust myself. wondering why i’d rather trust strangers instead of myself. i don’t trust myself. i use to think it’s never really up to me when i have to make a decision. i wish to do things i never do when i have the chance to actually do something.

wondering what’s missing. there’s definetly something missing.

i can always and DO push the others while i never push myself to get to solve my own fears and difficulties. what i tell others to do seems never to work out for me.

wondering why i have this constant need to be needed and to be helpful and supporting.

they told me i do what i wish the others did for me.
they told me i call them when in fact it’s me who needs to be called.
they told me i want to be near them when i actually need somebody who’s there for me.
they told me i say hello when i need to reveive a hello, and because it doesn’t arrive, i’m the first to say it.
they told me i keep writing letters because in fact i might be the one who needs to receive mail.
they told me i care so much because deep inside i wish they cared more.
they told me i fail when i’m expecting the others to fail.

playlist of the moment:
R.E.M. – The Cranberries – Oasis – Robbie Williams – Anouk – Radiohead – Moby – Skunk Anansie – Bjork – Johnny Cash – Marilyn Manson – Theatre of Tragedy – Janis Joplin – Led Zeppelin – Pink Floyd – Deep Purple – Metallica – Nirvana – Green Day – Sheryl Crow.

you’ll follow me down